Movie Theater Madness...
Crunch...Crunch....Crunch... Waaa...Waaa...Waaa... Crinkle...Crinkle...Crinkle...
I swear, sometimes I wonder why I even bother going to the movies. It never fails that someone sits behind me with a) the largest barrel of the loudest crunching popcorn b) a candy wrapper that refuses to be silent c) a crying baby that recently swallowed a microphone or d) three gallons of funeral parlor perfume.
Well my latest excursion to the movies was graced by Mr. Smelly Old Man Shoe. This thoughtless creature thought it would be just hunky-dory to wedge his stinky sneakers between my seat and the handrail.
At first it was merely a distraction--my left eye was eclipsed by a pair of dark Reeboks. But then the smell came. Imagine being locked in a breadbox with a sweaty, wrinkly eighty year old foot for two hours. Yeah, that was me during The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Normally when I find myself in these sorts of circumstances I get up and move somewhere else. Like last week when I was watching Aeon Flux and some loser stood behind my seat filming the damn movie. (I hope my head bobbing across the screen ruined his attempt at piracy.) Unfortunately the theater was full this time, so I had to stick it out. I spent the rest of the movie leaning forward and breathing through my beanie.
When I get rich I'm going to install my very own movie theater in my house. Then I'm going to place dummies in various seats cleverly rigged to meet the annoying criteria mentioned above. But instead of playing musical chairs when irritated, I'm going to pull out my bow and arrow and get out some aggression. What fun!
Crunch...Crunch...Crunch...
Thwop! Wooosh... Splat!
p.s. Ollie might claim the topic of this blog was his idea ;)
posted by Grant-Will-Rant at
3:47 PM
7 Comments:
I was this close to a full-on smiting when I didn't see you mention my name anywhere. You are lucky--damn lucky, sir--that you had the good sense to at least make that ridiculous claim at the end. Why ridiculous, you ask? Because I really did come up with it -- all by myself. Without any help from anyone.
By
Oliver Dale, at 5:24 PM, December 12, 2005
Whoever's idea it was, when you build your home theater will you rent it out to me? When we went to see the first LOTR movie, I was working 80 hours a week and I was little, teensy, tiny bit irritable, and Ryan had to physically restrain me after I snarled (literally) at a man who was talking during the movie. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
By
Kate, at 6:29 PM, December 12, 2005
I used to babysit for some people who had their own theater. It was the coolest thing ever. Five leather recliner seats, little lights running down the wall, everything. I was jealous. I want one. I say whoever gets one first needs to invite all of us over for the first movie.
By
mamashine, at 7:02 PM, December 12, 2005
p.s. you never even said what you thought of the movie.
By
Oliver Dale, at 11:19 AM, December 13, 2005
How was it Oliver's idea?
By
Anonymous, at 3:56 PM, December 13, 2005
Everyone's invited to my home theater...sometime in 2028. No popcorn!
Oh yeah...the movie stank! No, that was the old man's shoes. The movie was excellent.
Hel: The idea was hatched during an AOL IM session with Ollie. But he had to take off for Starbucks to work on a paper and so I beat him to it.
By
Grant-Will-Rant, at 8:32 PM, December 13, 2005
Grant, you've always been rather intollerant at the movies--just the SMELL of popcorn irritated you. But as for the lack of common curteousy by those noise-makers, I whole-heartidly agree! I'm so tired of the flagrant disrespect of some people--cell phones ringing (Silence Mode--DUH!), people talking, stinky feet--UGH!!
By
Rooney, at 1:21 PM, December 14, 2005
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