Sometimes I push the limits...

One of the most annoying aspects of my job is having to push candy down people's throats. Unfortunately the company I work for tracks candy sales per store. Therefore a large part of my day is spent pushing candy and inspiring my employees to do the same. Candy pushing is a major focus for this company.

But sometimes (in fact, most the time) it doesn't go over so well. For one, most the people who live in the neighborhood aren't the biggest fans of candy. These are the kind of people who show up with a cat on a leash, an Ipod velcroed to their naked bicep, donning their best running shoes. These are the kind of people who would rather devour a fistful of almonds than to plop a Raisinette on their tongue.

So often when I ask if they would like some candy I'm met with silence and an I-can't-believe-you're-actually-asking-me-to-poison-my-body expression. If looks could kill I'd be a crate of Oscar Meyer wieners.

But though it's a hard sell, I press on. Why? Because it's my job, and I sort of need the money. But occasionally I'll get the other variety of customer. The one who freaks out in a positive way over my Raisinette offer and buys enough for the six kids tearing up my video game aisle.

Then there are the playful weirdos. Like this freak who, when after I offered him candy, opened his mouth to expose two pitiful nicotine-stained stumps surrounded by vacant gums. "I ain't got not teeth," he said needlessly.

Stunned, yet still looking for a sale, I fired back: "We sell lollipops!"

You can imagine the several transformations his face experienced: Shock to slightly offended to oh shit that was kind of funny.

I can still hear his toothless guffaw echoing in my head.