All in a day's work...

The tall black guy lopes down the movie aisle with a stack of ten DVDs in his hands. His coat is white and puffy, too large and padded for the nice weather outside. He kneels, seemingly contemplating the pile of movies in his hand, then peers around the store with his head slightly lowered.

A thief.

I immediately dispatch two employees to "customer service" him to death. Undeterred, the thief mumbles a few incoherent words to my over-friendly partners and then veers down another aisle, randomly collecting more DVDs as he goes.

A dumb thief.

Suddenly he makes a beeline for one of the emergency exits. Not too fast, but definitely at a quicker pace than before. He leans against the exit door and, to his dismay, the door is locked. No alarm sounds. He then quickens his pace, heading toward the front door.

The entire time I'm matching him step for step just one aisle away. I snap my fingers and my training manager--a guy so large he's been dubbed Big Ben--steps in front of the door. The thief slows and changes course, heading for the second exit.

Big Ben stomps over just as the thief walks through the security sensors, setting off the alarm.

"SIR," I say in a loud voice, "YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THOSE!"

The thief makes a run for it.

Only Big Ben is standing in his way.

They collide.

The thief is now wrapped in Big Ben's thick arms like a polar bear wrestling a boa constrictor. The two roll and twist, the thief holding fast to his stolen goods.

"CALL THE POLICE!" Big Ben yells.

"DROP THE PRODUCT!" I yell to the thief as I dial the police.

"OKAY, OKAY!" the thief cries as DVDs fly from his arms as if they exploded from his body.

The thief breaks free. Like a dart he flies down the street.

"TELL YOUR FRIENDS THEY CAN'T STEAL HERE NO MORE!" I yell after him.

Several ambitious customers chase after him, but he's too fast.

Other customers cheer, applauding the free show.

I glance around at the fallen DVDs. And there, in the center of it all, is a manila packet. I pick it up and look inside. Like a gift from heaven, it contains the thief's personal information--including his work schedule.

The police were happy to receive that little bit of evidence.