Attack of the Killer Razor...

Well, since I don't start my new job for a few more days I've been very hygienically lazy. No, I still take showers and brush my teeth every day. But my facial scruff is another story. Hey, it's cold here! The budding beard is helping to keep my virgin face warm and protected from the harsh climate. But I can stand it for only so long. At about the 6th or 7th day of not shaving my beard starts to itch. Like having a swarm of caterpillars performing the tango on my chin.

Anyway, the itching was driving me mad so I decided to go ahead and shave it all off. No longer will I look like a stereotypical Oregon lumberjack. Fear me not little spotted owl! I'll be back to my smooth boyish look in a matter of minutes. Though when I'm smooth and wearing my beanie I have to fight off those flirty college freshman. Okay, I'm lying. More like the women in high heels slurping Big Gulps outside the 7/11. But I'm digressing...

For Christmas I got a nice new electric razor. So I thought, What the hell. I'll put my new Braun to the test. What I didn't realize--because I NEVER read the damn instructions, I mean, c'mon, it's a fricken electric razor, how difficult can it be!--well, I was supposed to charge the damn thing before I used it. I didn't. I simply removed it from the box and plugged it in...it buzzed like it was supposed to...and then it got weaker...and then it stopped. Completely. Only my chin hair was still attached to the razor.

I tried to pull the now dead razor off my chin but it was stuck like glue. My whiskers were trapped inside but they were still painfully attached to my face. Then it got awkward. I thought maybe the electrical outlet had failed and so I hunched down to plug it into a different socket. Not good. I was in total pain. I plugged it in--still nothing. I carefully toggled the on/off button. Nothing. I wanted to scream but there was no one around to help.

So there I was, gawking in the mirror at some pale, sweating idiot holding a razor to his face. I could see it already: Man Found Mauled In Apartment--Face Eaten By Killer Razor.

But I wasn't about to be the laughing stock of Portland. So I did the unthinkable. I slowly peeled the razor back from my chin. But each whisker that broke free was like a violent kick to the face. And it all happened in slow motion. I finally decided to just rip it off in one violent yank, like tying a loose tooth to a doorknob and then slamming the door. It was not cool. Needless to say I was relieved when it was over. And I spent the rest of the day looking like someone suffering from mange.