Smooth Criminal...

I now know what it's like to feel like a criminal. You know, moving into a new place can be quite costly. Over the last few days I've purchased a futon, coffee table, CD racks, bookcase, TV stand, desk...oh, and a new laptop.

Suffice it to say, I spent a lot of money. And if you know me, then you know that I DO NOT spend money...I SAVE money. And my bank knows that. And that's why when I went on my spending spree a giant red flag showed up on my account.

So there I was--in Target--$350 worth of goods stuffed into Target bags in my shopping cart, when all of a sudden the clerk glanced at me suspiciously and said: "Sir, can I see your credit card? I need to call for approval."

I've never had that happen to me. So I stood there and fidgeted, taking note of the clerk's wary eyes as she was placed on hold with my bank. The manager came by and inquired as to what was causing the hold up. The customers behind me were asked to move to other stations. Box boys paused to take a gander at the flushed criminal who almost got away with charging up a stolen credit card.

"Sir, your card has been declined..."

"What?! Are you serious? Can I call my bank?"

She nodded, but her expression was a portrait of doubt as if to say: "You slimy dirtbag. Just move your thieving ass out of my checkout line and go make use of a fresh razor blade."

Ten minutes later I was back in her line. We rang the stuff through again, and I was thrilled to see the word: APPROVED appear on her screen. I tried to explain to her that my bank was just taking precautions. That they were afraid someone had stolen my card. That I was a law abiding citizen who was simply trying to furnish his apartment. But nothing I said could erase the suspicion from her face.

Oh, the horror. The good news is that there are about a dozen Targets in Portland, so I'll never go to that one again....