Exhausted Excuses...
Today I received the most pitiful call from an employee. I'm sure he was doing his absolute best to sound authentically sick, but let me tell ya, I don't care if you have the world's worst case of food poisoning--I don't care if you're puking up midget albinos or bleeding out your ass and ears--no one sounds that bad. It was all I could do to keep from busting my gut.
And the Oscar goes to Mr. Moan-a-lot.
It never ceases to amaze me how many employees fall prey to food poisoning. I suppose it's the perfect excuse: You only have to pretend you're sick for one day. You can show up for work the next day chipper as hell, now that you've purged the tainted food from your system (more likely it was alcohol poisoning--but they'd never admit that).
The silliest case of food poisoning so far this year came from a girl who claimed she and her friends had eaten berries on the side of the road. Yeah, okay, sure I'm going to believe that one! I mean, c'mon, what idiot alive hasn't been cautioned against the deadly red berry bush!
Other excuses I've heard--some real, others total fabrications:
1) Killing off the grandparents seems to be a popular one.
"Wait...didn't you say Grandma Myrtle died last week?"
"Oh...uh...that was my other grandma Myrtle...um...yeah...."
2) The always popular broken down car.
"It just won't start! I don't know why!"
"Did you try turning the key?"
"..."
"Take a bus."
3) Ms. innocent.
"I didn't know I worked today?"
"You knew last night before you went to that party."
4) Last minute schedule conflicts.
"I told you I have Yoga on Saturdays; I can't work them anymore."
"Fine. Meditate on these words: You're fired!"
And the Oscar goes to Mr. Moan-a-lot.
It never ceases to amaze me how many employees fall prey to food poisoning. I suppose it's the perfect excuse: You only have to pretend you're sick for one day. You can show up for work the next day chipper as hell, now that you've purged the tainted food from your system (more likely it was alcohol poisoning--but they'd never admit that).
The silliest case of food poisoning so far this year came from a girl who claimed she and her friends had eaten berries on the side of the road. Yeah, okay, sure I'm going to believe that one! I mean, c'mon, what idiot alive hasn't been cautioned against the deadly red berry bush!
Other excuses I've heard--some real, others total fabrications:
1) Killing off the grandparents seems to be a popular one.
"Wait...didn't you say Grandma Myrtle died last week?"
"Oh...uh...that was my other grandma Myrtle...um...yeah...."
2) The always popular broken down car.
"It just won't start! I don't know why!"
"Did you try turning the key?"
"..."
"Take a bus."
3) Ms. innocent.
"I didn't know I worked today?"
"You knew last night before you went to that party."
4) Last minute schedule conflicts.
"I told you I have Yoga on Saturdays; I can't work them anymore."
"Fine. Meditate on these words: You're fired!"
posted by Grant-Will-Rant at
8:18 PM
1 Comments:
How about faking food poisoning when you work in the dorm caf downstairs? Then you have to hide all day and either starve or find sustenance elsewhere. :) Although in my defense, I was sick (despressed counts, right), had an alcoholic boyfriend who used to call me at all hours and keep me awake and SATAN himself scheduled me for the 7AM vegetable prepping for the salad bar shift. I swear to god I'm not making that up. Not only did I have to get up that freaking early on SUNDAY MORNINGS, but I had to spend the hours in and out of the freaking walk-in fridge in the BASEMENT in the dead of winter in Michigan. Still have nightmares about it.
So, I know. You would have hated to be my boss. That's okay. I'm much more mature now. I just say I feel like crap and I'm not coming in. Absolutely true most mornings, although they don't need to know that. :)
By
Kate, at 8:50 PM, July 01, 2006
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