Life Is Good...

Ahh, today Vlad and I ate at our favorite little dive restaurant: Joe's Cellar. They serve breakfast all day and there's a bar attached with those devilish slot machines in the back. We often spend 15 dollars on the meal and 20 on the slots. Today we came home with 80 dollars more than we took.

But that's not even the best news. The best news was when the waitress asked our ages and I told her to guess. She guessed Vlad was 27 and for me she said 24 or 25! HAH! Can you believe that?

So when it came time for me to guess her age I said without hesitation: 24. And she blushed and then admitted she was 33. Yes, life is good. And just wait until I buy some more hair. Damn I miss having bangs. But they will return.

Mark my words: I WILL HAVE BANGS AGAIN!


In this photo I look like an old fart and Vlad looks like a hottie. He likes this picture, naturally.

Retail Hell!

I just had one of those "I hate retail" days! Some really annoying, fat, black, idiot woman came in and harassed me for thirty minutes.

"Gimme that list with all those videos you selling!" boomed her obnoxious voice.

"What list?"

"Don't gimme that shit. You know what list I'm talking about. Every time I come in here you all tell me: What list? What list? I'm talking about the damn list with the videos you selling!"

FYI: This list has about 3,000 videos which we're pulling from the rental department to sell for one dollar each. Most have been pulled already and sent to various stores in our district. The rest are in boxes piled in storage. This woman wants the list so that she can pick out one or two movies to buy, which means that I would have to search through about 15 boxes to make 3 dollars. I never let any customers see this list because I do not have three hours to spare. But my foolish assistant just happened to tell this lady about the list and now I'm paying for it.

"Okay. Here's the list." What the hell? Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll keel over mid-read.

"You see. You knew what I was talking about."

A few minutes later.

"I want this movie right here."

"Well that movie was pulled three months ago and has already sold."

"How you know that?"

"Um...because...it was sold three months ago."

"No, it's on the list so you got it upstairs."

"No, we don't. But if you want to go upstairs and look for it, go right ahead."

"I'm not going upstairs! Why don't you do your job?"

"Fine." I went upstairs, balanced VHS for a few minutes, and came back down. "Well, apparently it's been sold. It's not upstairs anymore. Sorry about that."

Blank stare.

"Well that other guy (foolish assistant) always finds me the videos I'm looking for."

"That's because he was still doing the pull then. But he's been finished for quite a while now."

"I don't know what you mean by 'pull' but I need someone who knows how to do their damn job over here."

"I'll tell you what. (Foolish assistant) gets here in about a half hour. Why don't you wait for him to help you?"

TIME FOR LUNCH! PEACE OUT!!

Catching up...

I'm excited! For several reasons: One, we're looking for a house/condo to buy in Portland. The search has been loads of fun. The real estate agent picked me and Vlad up in a shiny Jaguar and drove us to several properties. I liked them all but Vlad was only satisfied with one. So the search will go on.

One house was on a hill--not good because Vladimir doesn't want to drive downhill if it snows.

Another house the bathroom was too narrow--not good because Vladimir might bump his fat ass on the counter.

Another house was too far from downtown--not good because the walk to our favorite sushi bar would be too long.

Another house was too close to downtown--not good because Vladimir would have trouble finding a parking space.

Again, I liked them all. But satisfying Vladimir is like trying to shove an angry hamster up your ass. I haven't tried it but Vladimir probably has.

Okay, not really.

At this point you can take a break from my blog and come back later to read what else has made me excited recently.

So, my short story, "Deathwaves," will finally be published in June. I can't wait! My story in a real live magazine with pictures and everything. Wow!

I'm working on another story in the same vein as the one being published in the hope that Deathwaves will be so successful that the editor will call for another right away. I'm working myself up into a frenzy of excitement imagining my success. Hee hee. BTW, I'll post the link to the zine when available.

Hmmm, I said several things are making me excited. Oh, I got a nice fat bonus for the 1st quarter. Um, what else. Oh yeah, Vegas in July! And...hmmm, I guess that's it.

I'll leave you with this ridiculous photo taken at Magic Mountain.

The Tree Story

So last month I decided to take Vladimir home to Fresno to meet the family. All went well. My family treated him as if he was their own. And this was very special for Vladimir as his family is thousands of miles away and he misses them very much. So my family has sort of filled that gap for now.

We also spent a couple of days in Los Angeles visiting Makoto and Sydney, hanging out at Universal Studios and shopping in downtown LA. And that's where things got very interesting.

You see, one of Vlad's coworkers asked him to buy a plastic tree in LA and bring it back to Portland. Okay, are you thinking what I was thinking? Why not buy a plastic tree in Portland? Why LA?

"You can't buy them in Portland," he tried to convince me.

I argued: "Bullshit. You can buy them at Home Depot or Wal-Mart or Lowe's or..."

"No. They're too expensive and cheap looking..."

"Vladimir, you can't bring a tree on the plane. That's ridiculous They're gonna charge you a grip of money."

Confused face.

"A lot of money."

Well, there was no convincing him. He was set to buy the damn tree in LA and bring the sucker to Portland. So we bought it for like 80 bucks. (And, seriously, it was the same damn tree you can find at any home supply store in Portland, but...well...he's a determined Kazahk, so I gave in...

And, just as I expected, they wanted to charge him 100 dollars to take it on the plane. I gave Vlad that "I told you so" look and then sat back and watched the magic unfold. After ten minutes of arguing with the people at the United desk, Vladimir got to put the silly tree on the airplane for free.

He always gets his way. Damn Kazahk.